Letter To Apollonia

As time goes by, my beloved friend, I've come to the conclusion that you were right. From the beginning to the end, from the very start of your sarcasm and your wisdom, you were absolutely right. I still remember the many mornings and evenings we spent together and I can't believe they are already gone, gone with the squares of broken calendars, with the years that seemed so long. Maybe eternal. 

I realized too late that you were gone. 

One day, I was walking by the long avenue and the feeling of emptiness had your name all over. How important you were, you are, that is something that I can't really explain. However, I'm not writing this letter trying to get you back, to let you know that things can change and everything can get back to normal.

I'm writing this letter to tell you that you were right. 

From the first moment, laughing with the irreplaceable shine of your gentle face, you said that my problem was fear. Pure fear. "You are so afraid of everything" you said and I didn't believed. After so many years, now that you are gone, that we lost each other maybe forever -even though forever is a long time and we never believed it really existed- I think you are the winner. 

I've always been afraid of everything, most particularly of myself. Just look around this letter and remember how things were in the past, I've always been a wreck, an old book with holes and burned pages, but there was nothing you could do about it. You were as broken as me. 

I've always been afraid of loosing things, of letting them fade into the fogs of past. Many years ago, one of my biggest fears was to loose you. Did you ever fear something? Were you so human, so gentle, so special or was it all part of the script? I've stopped thinking about the truths and the lies, the black and the white. A loyal friend or a bastard liar, you were right in the end. 

Writing this letter, I've overcomed my fear, the fear of letting you know. Don't try to find me. I'm still the same old burned book from many years ago, my beloved friend. 

You were right, fear ruined everything in my life, from the beginning to the end, you were right, I admit it. It's time for you to know that yes, you were right, you are right.

I lost you because I was afraid.

And there is no reason for you to forgive me. 

Always yours, 

B.